I'm close to tears right now just thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow. usually I would be able to turn up early in the morning, no sweat. they welcome me, and we lay in bed for half the time, I think our record was six hours... but today they tell me that it isn't a good idea, maybe 11 would be better. 11?! that's like 3 hours out of the 7 hours we're going to spend together, half the time. I'm hurt, really hurt.
now I know how dramatic that sounds, and I can't stress this enough... it wasn't like this before. I know they have a second person and I'm willing to wait for them to make up their decision. but to be waiting around like this seems like the torture is never ending. I go on their tumblr to see lovey dovey things, about relationships, love and images of couples. I feel happy, but then have second thoughts. what if these images and words aren't for me? what if they're directed to their other, other half - if that even fucking works out - I've just been in a really bad state lately. I'm not normally the person who gets jealous, I don't take things like these to heart, but this is my one and only exception.
I'm lingering on the thought of is this love or lust, attraction, admiration, infatuation or just in the moment thing. it can't be, right? I've been in this "state" of "liking them" for more than six months. anything on the lines of lust and infatuation should be long gone by now, right?
they've been acting strange this whole week. one day they would be all quiet and the next they would be all bubbly, claiming that they miss me. I don't know what to believe now. I know for a fact that, that other person is closer to them and it kills me to even think about it.
I want to cry. I don't even want to see them tomorrow. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I don't want them to see me exposed and vulnerable. I've said this so many times before...
I know that I should learn from my mistakes. I hate repeating things over and over again. I thought that maybe this time would be different. I really did...
I guess they've made their decision. it just hurts. I feel so crushed right now... and the only person I can resort to talking to is interstate. what am I going to do. :'( ...
