stable and happy

I reckon this is the first time in a while I've actually decided to come on my blogspot while I'm in a good mood. my throat hurts from singing for the past hour or so (I had horrible coughs before today so it wasn't a good idea to sing in the first place, but I couldn't help it..) and being on good terms with the one has this most amazing feeling.

I really should brighten up this place. everything I write about these days if filled with negativity and angst. I'm not like that in real life, I swear. in fact, this is where I spill and splurge all the hatred and depression, after I press "Publish Post" I continue living my life and move on. there's a bunch of things I need to get over this year, so there should be more things to post about... homework, high school dramas, relationship issues, self attainment... my sanity in other words. I really need to do well this year, but at the same time, I don't want to drive myself insane.

I know no one is reading these posts, besides maybe one person. I appreciate the attention, but when I relieved this blog, I knew no one would give a shit. I treat it like a diary for that very reason. I know it isn't, and I know posting things on the internet is like yelling out your deepest darkest secret through a microphone that projects your voice for the whole country to hear. it's inevitable that someone will come across this page and delve into my horrid life descriptions, but whatever the case, I will try and keep things realistic here.

I don't even know why I'm rambling... I guess I have no one to talk to :/ mm.. I should sleep now. I will come back as soon as I've got something to say ♥

good night dear readers, and although I don't know whether any of you are bothering with these posts, I'll still treat you like my friend... because after all, you know exactly what's going on in my life.

xoxo

because crying to yourself is not a solution, nor is shutting yourself out from the whole world...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been feeling like myself lately... I've been sitting here in front of the laptop doing utterly nothing for the past 7 hours. I've begun to lie to myself; telling myself that I'm not doing anything simply because they're busy. but what now? so I slowly rot my brains away staring at the screen, then finally falling asleep without knowing it...

I just go ahead and ruin things. it's not that I don't want to talk, it's that I don't know what to say. I'm serious when I say I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this, am I even upset? it feels like it, but I still can't pin point the reason why... I just want things to go back to the way they were, where I can just brush things off easily. this is virtually impossible here, because... what the hell is making me feel this way? :'(

I have been crying. but what now? I can't stop this sense of vulnerability; it's killing me from within. I don't want you to see me this way, I miss you so much it hurts to even talk about it. I don't want to mess things up, don't want my presence to become an annoyance to you, so I sit and wait for a reaction... things just end up exactly the way I don't want them to be. my feelings are crushed, not by you, but myself.

I think the moral of the story is that I do know why I'm feeling down. it's just that I can't come to an acceptance that, that is actually why I'm feeling so down lately. this is the first time I've ever acted this way around someone, it's strange. is this really true love? is this how it feels like? I'm baffled, still confused on whether it's still infatuation andor lust... or is it the real deal?