Dragging myself away...

I know what I said before, but it's too hard to continue this way. I've decided to deactivate my facebook and formspring temporarily, appear offline on MSN for the next week, not reply to their texts and see what happens... I need to slowly remove myself from this situation, find things to do with other people and at least try to move on.

at this very moment, I am not trying to forget you... I am simply putting a test on both of us, to see if we're really meant to be.

Forever alone...

it happened again.

I got cancelled, no matter how hard I try... the effort I put in.

I guess I don't mean that much to them after all...

Memories brings back pain

without you, everything bores me.

without you, everything seems meaningless.

without you, everything is a drag.

without you, everything is nothing...

I hate this feeling. I want to cry. I want to let them know how much pain I'm going through. the mixed signals, the sudden replies to text messages, and then sudden silences.

silence.

living a life off silence is horrifying. what am I to think? what am I to do? I miss hearing their voice, seeing their faces, touching their face... I miss everything about them. I sound like a love sick teen, but this isn't the case. and to be honest, I don't know where I stand.

I'm reading through our conversations, how we met again after so many years. how we thought it was fate, how we reconnected so easily. and quite frankly, during the period of time, you were the one who held me up, you were the one who made me constantly smiling, happy for what I had, loved, valued, needed. and whenever you were out, you were thinking of me, and likewise for me too... but now I would hesitate, try to push those memories aside, try to compress the neediness I have yearning inside of me. I want to reach out, and I want you to take me with you, but at this moment you've got your back turned to me while facing the world... leaving me in the darkness.

fear. I keep sensing that this is heading no where, that this is the part where I lose you to the sea of people that is slowly surrounding you...

I don't know what to do besides sit here with my tissue box and my laptop, reading our conversations. carefully. picturing how we looked while each person was typing. the relief I would feel after seeing you press enter. the satisfaction I get when I saw the 'is typing' message pop up. it hurts, to think back to those times. it hurts to picture your smiling face.

I can't breathe, breathless, I need to put effort into the littlest things to keep myself here. on the same page, with everyone else. I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. only you can make me happy, and I don't think a few days of separation is going to do much help.

FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm going to try my hardest to get you back. we have to patch this up...

nothing is impossible... is it?

Without You

so I'm here again, didn't think I'd come running back this soon... but look, I'm here again.

so the holidays had officially started about 5 days ago. I met up with them and we went around for a bit, but never got the chance to be alone, so not much happened. I promised them that I would come over their house the next day to see them. I didn't. they got mad, stopped talking to me for a few hours, and then started talking to me like nothing had happened.

I thought that was the end of it.

I guess it has made me realise what type of person they are. more clearly, this time. I miss talking to them without any of these awkward interjections. I miss just being able to sit on msn/facebook/formspring/tumblr/texting all day and never run out of things to say. but now, after every thought out sentence, phrase and emoticon... I truly think I've lost them... these past few days, I've pushed others away from me. trying not to communicate with anyone. because talking about them would make others concerned, worry. I thought I could bottle it up, but clearly I can't. and so, I'm back...

I want to see them so bad, I know that after being alone with them for a while, I'll be able to fix this. I'll be able to start conversations without hesitation, without thinking things through a million times before saying it. I wouldn't get butterflies thinking of how they feel about me. it's not the feeling of love right at this moment, it's fear.

now, I know how corny this sounds, but it's the complete truth. I fear of losing them. it literally hurts me, a bad case of butterflies. I don't know what it is, I've never experienced this before. all I do all day is lock myself in my room and try to drug myself up with Korean Variety shows, hoping the laughing and idiotic actions of idols would be able to cheer me up. at least for a split second.

if only I could tell them how much I missed them, think about them constantly and they would give me some kind of response.

I. MISS. YOU.

*sighs*

mix-match

so they started talking to me again.

but guess what, it doesn't really affect me. it was true that I have learnt to get over the fact that they don't care.

thinking about how I used to hate them makes me feel so hypocritical. we are so a like. the way we think, the way we react. that it seems like everything they do annoys me, but everything they do is exactly what I would do. so, I don't know what to feel. how confusing. I thought I was imagining things, that I was just perceiving what I wanted to think... but now I see it was true.

what to do. the next time I see them I'll definitely end up the way I was before.

how terrifying.

I'm so glad...

I can still make you smile ♥

It's... what is it?

I don't know what's happening to me. I guess I've learnt to let go... slowly, one grasp at a time.

I don't know whether to think they've forgotten about me or the fact that they're only doing this for my own good. hopefully time will tell, and by the way things are going, I don't think they're ready to let me go... just yet.

I'll be waiting, but I wont be getting my hopes up. I have something else on my mind right now, and I don't think it's a good thing. I need to stay motivated, determined and centered... concentration takes a lot...

I'll be waiting, but I wont be getting my hopes up...

late at night...

just waiting for the cue...

I know this is going to end. in fact, I know it's going to be very soon. I'm just waiting for the cue...

once that button is pressed, it will be over forever... I know I'll miss it, I miss you already. I didn't want things to end up the way they have, but I had no control over it.

I miss the way we used to be.

there's nothing else I can do besides sit here and stare at the screen. pushing F5, waiting for it to change. I hope not. the negative adrenaline that shoots through me. my breath getting stuck. me, trembling...

stuck in between bliss and horror, I don't know what to think.

I still love you...

널 미워해.... 미우나 고우나..?

I did it again...

I showed my weakness. I couldn't hold myself back.

I should have stayed firm. remained silent. why am I doing this?

apart of me doesn't want to lose you, apart of me doesn't want you out of my life. but then there are going to be so much problems. I've been through this before. next thing that happens, one reply, silence, another reply, silence...

then I'd have to apologise for not doing anything, AT ALL. and then you'd feel back, and start sweet talking me again. I. don't. think. I. can. continue. pulling. this. off.

short on breath. don't know what to think...

why do I bother?

so today is the first study day my school has set for the whole grade. meaning, yesterday was my last day of year 11...

so I'm here, meaning to start on my report which is due by 4:00pm today, but I can't stop thinking about them. It has been a week since we've had a proper conversation. one where someone doesn't answer the other person in one word, silence, and then another word. I hate when that happens.

so... like I said before, I'm sitting here thinking about them. I miss them. I shouldn't be... the things they've done to me, felt me hanging, ignored me. a close friend would tell me to confront them, and ask them why they've been acting like this. but I know why, I don't need to ask. They've got some one else in their life... and it's not like I matter to them, because if something did happen between us they would be labeled as something no one would be liked to be labeled...

there are times where I wished things would go back to the way they were. where we would talk until 7am in the morning, where we would have a conversation based on basically nothing. we always had something to talk about. I want the holidays back, but the thought of this does scare me, it only means that they'll be working, they'll have more time to go out with their other lover... and they'll not be able to make time for me...

I know this sounds selfish, but I have stated before... I am selfish. I want everything to myself. I want them back in my life. and as I type this blog up, Jiyeon's song starts playing...

maybe I should just rely on music and technology to make me happy. focus on work, find a perfect profession that will keep me busy for the years to come. I don't want to think about it. and that's how I've been doing these past few years, running away from my troubles... it hurts to think about a life without them. but what can I do? it truly is out of my control...

because of you

if I start rambling on about how they treated me today and the day before, it would only make me feel worse. so let's end this day on a happy note (it's 12:03am here :/)

my friend found a site for me, where you can update your status via videos! how awesome us that? well, yeah I'll try using it tomorrow... and if all things are good, I'll set it as my facebook status and make people join ^___^ sounds like good fun. especially for narcissistic people, like myself :P

here is my page: http://robo.to/i2ayumi

my obsession

the two most important parts of my life, besides friends and family, is music and technology.

is there much more I can say? the two worlds of arts and science, combined together. what can beat that? music, what music? well since I've been in such a shitty mood lately, I've found a ballad song that makes me happy. ballad. slow paced, melodic, Korean song. the OST for Playful Kiss (I still need to get started on that, currently on episode 2... hmmm, Hyun Joong's face just really annoys me :P I kid.)

and what technology? well, I've been having problems with my Nokia N97. and just to name a few: my lock broke, it would randomly go off even though I have it on silent, the alarm clock would cease to function when I need it most, it would randomly make calls, laggy, bugs on the UI, not responsive AT ALL, battery slot is malfunctioning and the batteries last for virtually 1 day (in the past, the batteries stayed functioning for at least 5 days without charging). and so my solution? waiting until I save enough money to buy myself a better phone. this time, for the software rather than the hardware :P (not quite the truth, but yeah)

BEHOLD, THE HTC DESIRE

as you can tell, I'm in quite a good mood right now. despite the state I am in, music and technology does brighten up my day. :)

CRAM!

with a coffee in one hand, a pen in the other.

so tired. sleep deprived. head aching. eyes tearing up.

all the more reasons to sleep in and never wake up. after tomorrow, I will do just that. but today, I have to fit all this homework that is due in tomorrow. don't think it's possible, but if I start now there's more of a chance that I will complete it.

wish me luck. I'm going in.

bye for now... I'll see you on the other side.

You

it annoys me.

annoys the crap out of me; the fact that I depend on them too much really gets to me. times like these, where their social networking sites are way too important compared to me and their homework.

so as any needy girl would say, "do you want me to stay with you tonight?"... waiting for an answer along the lines of, yes, I really need you here with me. but ending up with, "only if you want to". what is that meant to me, seriously. I do want to. but I must not let you know that. why?

you are my weakness.

and if it isn't transparent enough as it is, letting you in, allowing you to walk all over me is really not what I need right now. the fact that having them by my side, to have the motivation to study is enough torture to me. I must get over this fad, this "phrase" as they would say. we've been through how many times you've wanted me out of your life. been through the attempts of leaving me behind. making up excuses saying, "I'm not a good person, I'm not worth your time".

"if feelings were that easily switched on and off like that, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place..."

sentimental shit from people who obviously think there's something wrong with me. why is everyone playing this game? why is everyone putting on an act? why do they pretend to care? it's really beyond me, to think that everyone is only doing this for their own benefit.

but how is this beneficial to them?

Trivial

Pathetic.

do you ever get those times when someone important to you walks out on you without saying goodbye? here we go, another depressing drama like scenario... that's not true. I am guessing I'm not the only person who has been in this position, please do try and relate with me...

so here I sit on my bed, in a dimly lit room. thinking of... you.

I hate it. I hate being suffocated in this barrier. I don't want to think of you. I don't want to behave the way I am behaving... I hate this feeling of longing. I feel so needy. I hate people who are clingy, but what do I have to say? I'm so hypocritical.

and just when you think you're getting nowhere. wasting your time, checking their msn status, checking their facebook, their blog, their formspring... everything. they come back and say "I'm here". the overwhelming joy, so constricting, distressing... demising.

transitioning between emotion to emotion confuses me. my head hurts. I can't concentrate. staring at the screen, seeing them typing, seeing the message pop up. smiling. satisfaction. what now...? I honestly think I'm becoming a little too dependent. I need space to work for my goals.

as of this moment, the only thing that matters to me is them. I can't let this continue... it isn't right...

Sleep deprived

so I've just woken up from my 1-2hours sleep. ugh, so friggen screwed.

I'll have to go make a cup of coffee before I get to school, or else I'd literally be screwed. I regret staying up so late, but I don't regret talking to them all night. I miss what I had going there... endless talking, sometimes up until 7am and still wanting to go on...

I have to contain myself. wait at least 2 weeks more until I should pull something like that off again. I feel bad for making them stay up with me like that... but guess what. I miss them.

at least now I know they care. they mean the world to me, and I'm glad I can make them do at least one thing for me. deprive themselves of sleep.

I'm evil.

I've caught it

it's amazing what one person can do to you. put you through an emotional hazard area; drag you through day and night, giving you blisters and bruises. and then suddenly lift you up from the bottom of the fiery pits of hell to the gates of heaven. oh so confusing, how life works. I guess this is what they mean by the 'many obstacles of life'. I guess it wouldn't have mattered as much if you didn't give a fuck.

but I do. I care, sometimes too much...

but all I have to say is, your mood is contagious.

Your opinion

is it okay if I go through and wipe everything that's happy off this blog? just looking at the stuff I've posted on here 3 months ago, quite literally, annoys me.

I don't know if it's because I'm in a bad mood, or because I've changed that much in the past few months... I don't know, to be honest. and asking your opinion is silly. skeptism. who does read my blogs? no one...

just thought I'd start making this place a bit more homey.

here goes, my last name for you ♥

I guess I'm back?

blogger is my little peace of mind. I'll be back here for more depression state posts. I feel as if tumblr is a bit too impersonal. although it is also a post, it seems more of a social networking-up-to-date reblogging system... where everyone just reblogs crap that makes their page look pretty.

I don't like posting anything too personal or emotional on there. I only get complaints. 'other people are suffering more than you, they have more problems. you should think about others before acting out and being so dramatic about the small problems in your life'.

seriously guys, whose life are we living? our own. exactly. so whatever you're experiencing in life, is for you to treasure, for you to react to and for you to deal with, however you want to deal with it. so those people who shut you out with their witty remarks, tell them to STFU and stop being so concerned with other people's problems.

that is all for now. rage, anger. you'll be seeing this a lot on here. happy side will be on tumblr. follow if you're interested: http://i2ayumi.tumblr.com/

why am I here...

to be honest, this isn't the first time I've made a blog on blogger. I am not yet ready for the friendly welcoming, getting to know you crap. so let's cut to the chase.

I hate myself.

it's times like these where I sit and ponder my very existance. life cannot be as simple as a walk in a park. life is not at all as it seems. I miss the ways I once lived life. full of anticipation, motivation, determination and happiness... yes, happiness.

in the past few years, it seems like I have changed into a completely different person. sometimes, like these, I sit and wonder who I have become. I don't know who I am. who my true friends are. if they actually cared about me, or is it because I am an easy target for hope, happiness... joy.

I don't like being used. I don't like the feeling of being the only one who actually cares about the friendship. do they even care?

I'm sitting here, trying to hold back the tears. no use. I can't control them...

just like how I can't control anything that's happening around me.