I'm so upset.

and I just keep walking in circles; making the same mistakes, falling for the same bullshit each time.

I'm close to tears right now just thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow. usually I would be able to turn up early in the morning, no sweat. they welcome me, and we lay in bed for half the time, I think our record was six hours... but today they tell me that it isn't a good idea, maybe 11 would be better. 11?! that's like 3 hours out of the 7 hours we're going to spend together, half the time. I'm hurt, really hurt.

now I know how dramatic that sounds, and I can't stress this enough... it wasn't like this before. I know they have a second person and I'm willing to wait for them to make up their decision. but to be waiting around like this seems like the torture is never ending. I go on their tumblr to see lovey dovey things, about relationships, love and images of couples. I feel happy, but then have second thoughts. what if these images and words aren't for me? what if they're directed to their other, other half - if that even fucking works out - I've just been in a really bad state lately. I'm not normally the person who gets jealous, I don't take things like these to heart, but this is my one and only exception.

I'm lingering on the thought of is this love or lust, attraction, admiration, infatuation or just in the moment thing. it can't be, right? I've been in this "state" of "liking them" for more than six months. anything on the lines of lust and infatuation should be long gone by now, right?

they've been acting strange this whole week. one day they would be all quiet and the next they would be all bubbly, claiming that they miss me. I don't know what to believe now. I know for a fact that, that other person is closer to them and it kills me to even think about it.

I want to cry. I don't even want to see them tomorrow. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I don't want them to see me exposed and vulnerable. I've said this so many times before...

I know that I should learn from my mistakes. I hate repeating things over and over again. I thought that maybe this time would be different. I really did...

I guess they've made their decision. it just hurts. I feel so crushed right now... and the only person I can resort to talking to is interstate. what am I going to do. :'( ...

stable and happy

I reckon this is the first time in a while I've actually decided to come on my blogspot while I'm in a good mood. my throat hurts from singing for the past hour or so (I had horrible coughs before today so it wasn't a good idea to sing in the first place, but I couldn't help it..) and being on good terms with the one has this most amazing feeling.

I really should brighten up this place. everything I write about these days if filled with negativity and angst. I'm not like that in real life, I swear. in fact, this is where I spill and splurge all the hatred and depression, after I press "Publish Post" I continue living my life and move on. there's a bunch of things I need to get over this year, so there should be more things to post about... homework, high school dramas, relationship issues, self attainment... my sanity in other words. I really need to do well this year, but at the same time, I don't want to drive myself insane.

I know no one is reading these posts, besides maybe one person. I appreciate the attention, but when I relieved this blog, I knew no one would give a shit. I treat it like a diary for that very reason. I know it isn't, and I know posting things on the internet is like yelling out your deepest darkest secret through a microphone that projects your voice for the whole country to hear. it's inevitable that someone will come across this page and delve into my horrid life descriptions, but whatever the case, I will try and keep things realistic here.

I don't even know why I'm rambling... I guess I have no one to talk to :/ mm.. I should sleep now. I will come back as soon as I've got something to say ♥

good night dear readers, and although I don't know whether any of you are bothering with these posts, I'll still treat you like my friend... because after all, you know exactly what's going on in my life.

xoxo

because crying to yourself is not a solution, nor is shutting yourself out from the whole world...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been feeling like myself lately... I've been sitting here in front of the laptop doing utterly nothing for the past 7 hours. I've begun to lie to myself; telling myself that I'm not doing anything simply because they're busy. but what now? so I slowly rot my brains away staring at the screen, then finally falling asleep without knowing it...

I just go ahead and ruin things. it's not that I don't want to talk, it's that I don't know what to say. I'm serious when I say I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this, am I even upset? it feels like it, but I still can't pin point the reason why... I just want things to go back to the way they were, where I can just brush things off easily. this is virtually impossible here, because... what the hell is making me feel this way? :'(

I have been crying. but what now? I can't stop this sense of vulnerability; it's killing me from within. I don't want you to see me this way, I miss you so much it hurts to even talk about it. I don't want to mess things up, don't want my presence to become an annoyance to you, so I sit and wait for a reaction... things just end up exactly the way I don't want them to be. my feelings are crushed, not by you, but myself.

I think the moral of the story is that I do know why I'm feeling down. it's just that I can't come to an acceptance that, that is actually why I'm feeling so down lately. this is the first time I've ever acted this way around someone, it's strange. is this really true love? is this how it feels like? I'm baffled, still confused on whether it's still infatuation andor lust... or is it the real deal?

keep up or else you'll be left behind...

change is inevitable. you better keep up or else you'll have so much to deal with when you decide to come back by my side.

you don't even know who I am... don't think this game of yours is working, because I have you in the palm of my hands. I have the power to crush you at any time I want.

2011 is my year and there's nothing that will stop me from making this the year of my life. watch me surpass you. I hope this year is good to you, because this is the last time I am ever going to have anything to do with you.

goodbye, good luck and FUCK YOU! :D

xxx

start playing the game right

it's times like these where I wished things would go back to the way they used to be. I know I'm being greedy; but who isn't in this superficial and materialistic world we live in today? I hate being this way, I really don't want to be. but there really isn't anything that can stop me... besides myself. being hypocritical is what gets to me most, I see others complaining about the smallest things in their life that doesn't matter at all... I make comparisons to a friend who is going through worse situations. where they can still put a smile on their face and pretend nothing is wrong; in order to stop others worrying. I admire how some people can sit there, count to 10 and everything will be okay... the optimistic type. but then thinking back to how I'm acting right now only seems transparent that I am taking things too far. I don't want to be like this.

I really want you to see this post, but I don't want my weakness and flaws to be shown to someone like you. I wish you were here with me, and I was the only one you cared about. but life doesn't work like that. life is a game, and if I don't start playing the way I want, I guess nothing will ever work out for the best.

we'll just have to see how things will turn out after today...

Dragging myself away...

I know what I said before, but it's too hard to continue this way. I've decided to deactivate my facebook and formspring temporarily, appear offline on MSN for the next week, not reply to their texts and see what happens... I need to slowly remove myself from this situation, find things to do with other people and at least try to move on.

at this very moment, I am not trying to forget you... I am simply putting a test on both of us, to see if we're really meant to be.