why am I here...

to be honest, this isn't the first time I've made a blog on blogger. I am not yet ready for the friendly welcoming, getting to know you crap. so let's cut to the chase.

I hate myself.

it's times like these where I sit and ponder my very existance. life cannot be as simple as a walk in a park. life is not at all as it seems. I miss the ways I once lived life. full of anticipation, motivation, determination and happiness... yes, happiness.

in the past few years, it seems like I have changed into a completely different person. sometimes, like these, I sit and wonder who I have become. I don't know who I am. who my true friends are. if they actually cared about me, or is it because I am an easy target for hope, happiness... joy.

I don't like being used. I don't like the feeling of being the only one who actually cares about the friendship. do they even care?

I'm sitting here, trying to hold back the tears. no use. I can't control them...

just like how I can't control anything that's happening around me.