because crying to yourself is not a solution, nor is shutting yourself out from the whole world...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been feeling like myself lately... I've been sitting here in front of the laptop doing utterly nothing for the past 7 hours. I've begun to lie to myself; telling myself that I'm not doing anything simply because they're busy. but what now? so I slowly rot my brains away staring at the screen, then finally falling asleep without knowing it...

I just go ahead and ruin things. it's not that I don't want to talk, it's that I don't know what to say. I'm serious when I say I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this, am I even upset? it feels like it, but I still can't pin point the reason why... I just want things to go back to the way they were, where I can just brush things off easily. this is virtually impossible here, because... what the hell is making me feel this way? :'(

I have been crying. but what now? I can't stop this sense of vulnerability; it's killing me from within. I don't want you to see me this way, I miss you so much it hurts to even talk about it. I don't want to mess things up, don't want my presence to become an annoyance to you, so I sit and wait for a reaction... things just end up exactly the way I don't want them to be. my feelings are crushed, not by you, but myself.

I think the moral of the story is that I do know why I'm feeling down. it's just that I can't come to an acceptance that, that is actually why I'm feeling so down lately. this is the first time I've ever acted this way around someone, it's strange. is this really true love? is this how it feels like? I'm baffled, still confused on whether it's still infatuation andor lust... or is it the real deal?