Memories brings back pain

without you, everything bores me.

without you, everything seems meaningless.

without you, everything is a drag.

without you, everything is nothing...

I hate this feeling. I want to cry. I want to let them know how much pain I'm going through. the mixed signals, the sudden replies to text messages, and then sudden silences.

silence.

living a life off silence is horrifying. what am I to think? what am I to do? I miss hearing their voice, seeing their faces, touching their face... I miss everything about them. I sound like a love sick teen, but this isn't the case. and to be honest, I don't know where I stand.

I'm reading through our conversations, how we met again after so many years. how we thought it was fate, how we reconnected so easily. and quite frankly, during the period of time, you were the one who held me up, you were the one who made me constantly smiling, happy for what I had, loved, valued, needed. and whenever you were out, you were thinking of me, and likewise for me too... but now I would hesitate, try to push those memories aside, try to compress the neediness I have yearning inside of me. I want to reach out, and I want you to take me with you, but at this moment you've got your back turned to me while facing the world... leaving me in the darkness.

fear. I keep sensing that this is heading no where, that this is the part where I lose you to the sea of people that is slowly surrounding you...

I don't know what to do besides sit here with my tissue box and my laptop, reading our conversations. carefully. picturing how we looked while each person was typing. the relief I would feel after seeing you press enter. the satisfaction I get when I saw the 'is typing' message pop up. it hurts, to think back to those times. it hurts to picture your smiling face.

I can't breathe, breathless, I need to put effort into the littlest things to keep myself here. on the same page, with everyone else. I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. only you can make me happy, and I don't think a few days of separation is going to do much help.

FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm going to try my hardest to get you back. we have to patch this up...

nothing is impossible... is it?