Dragging myself away...

I know what I said before, but it's too hard to continue this way. I've decided to deactivate my facebook and formspring temporarily, appear offline on MSN for the next week, not reply to their texts and see what happens... I need to slowly remove myself from this situation, find things to do with other people and at least try to move on.

at this very moment, I am not trying to forget you... I am simply putting a test on both of us, to see if we're really meant to be.

Forever alone...

it happened again.

I got cancelled, no matter how hard I try... the effort I put in.

I guess I don't mean that much to them after all...

Memories brings back pain

without you, everything bores me.

without you, everything seems meaningless.

without you, everything is a drag.

without you, everything is nothing...

I hate this feeling. I want to cry. I want to let them know how much pain I'm going through. the mixed signals, the sudden replies to text messages, and then sudden silences.

silence.

living a life off silence is horrifying. what am I to think? what am I to do? I miss hearing their voice, seeing their faces, touching their face... I miss everything about them. I sound like a love sick teen, but this isn't the case. and to be honest, I don't know where I stand.

I'm reading through our conversations, how we met again after so many years. how we thought it was fate, how we reconnected so easily. and quite frankly, during the period of time, you were the one who held me up, you were the one who made me constantly smiling, happy for what I had, loved, valued, needed. and whenever you were out, you were thinking of me, and likewise for me too... but now I would hesitate, try to push those memories aside, try to compress the neediness I have yearning inside of me. I want to reach out, and I want you to take me with you, but at this moment you've got your back turned to me while facing the world... leaving me in the darkness.

fear. I keep sensing that this is heading no where, that this is the part where I lose you to the sea of people that is slowly surrounding you...

I don't know what to do besides sit here with my tissue box and my laptop, reading our conversations. carefully. picturing how we looked while each person was typing. the relief I would feel after seeing you press enter. the satisfaction I get when I saw the 'is typing' message pop up. it hurts, to think back to those times. it hurts to picture your smiling face.

I can't breathe, breathless, I need to put effort into the littlest things to keep myself here. on the same page, with everyone else. I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. only you can make me happy, and I don't think a few days of separation is going to do much help.

FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm going to try my hardest to get you back. we have to patch this up...

nothing is impossible... is it?

Without You

so I'm here again, didn't think I'd come running back this soon... but look, I'm here again.

so the holidays had officially started about 5 days ago. I met up with them and we went around for a bit, but never got the chance to be alone, so not much happened. I promised them that I would come over their house the next day to see them. I didn't. they got mad, stopped talking to me for a few hours, and then started talking to me like nothing had happened.

I thought that was the end of it.

I guess it has made me realise what type of person they are. more clearly, this time. I miss talking to them without any of these awkward interjections. I miss just being able to sit on msn/facebook/formspring/tumblr/texting all day and never run out of things to say. but now, after every thought out sentence, phrase and emoticon... I truly think I've lost them... these past few days, I've pushed others away from me. trying not to communicate with anyone. because talking about them would make others concerned, worry. I thought I could bottle it up, but clearly I can't. and so, I'm back...

I want to see them so bad, I know that after being alone with them for a while, I'll be able to fix this. I'll be able to start conversations without hesitation, without thinking things through a million times before saying it. I wouldn't get butterflies thinking of how they feel about me. it's not the feeling of love right at this moment, it's fear.

now, I know how corny this sounds, but it's the complete truth. I fear of losing them. it literally hurts me, a bad case of butterflies. I don't know what it is, I've never experienced this before. all I do all day is lock myself in my room and try to drug myself up with Korean Variety shows, hoping the laughing and idiotic actions of idols would be able to cheer me up. at least for a split second.

if only I could tell them how much I missed them, think about them constantly and they would give me some kind of response.

I. MISS. YOU.

*sighs*

mix-match

so they started talking to me again.

but guess what, it doesn't really affect me. it was true that I have learnt to get over the fact that they don't care.

thinking about how I used to hate them makes me feel so hypocritical. we are so a like. the way we think, the way we react. that it seems like everything they do annoys me, but everything they do is exactly what I would do. so, I don't know what to feel. how confusing. I thought I was imagining things, that I was just perceiving what I wanted to think... but now I see it was true.

what to do. the next time I see them I'll definitely end up the way I was before.

how terrifying.

I'm so glad...

I can still make you smile ♥

It's... what is it?

I don't know what's happening to me. I guess I've learnt to let go... slowly, one grasp at a time.

I don't know whether to think they've forgotten about me or the fact that they're only doing this for my own good. hopefully time will tell, and by the way things are going, I don't think they're ready to let me go... just yet.

I'll be waiting, but I wont be getting my hopes up. I have something else on my mind right now, and I don't think it's a good thing. I need to stay motivated, determined and centered... concentration takes a lot...

I'll be waiting, but I wont be getting my hopes up...